Manipulation - is the engine of domestic abuse. This can take the form of threatening, bullying, and mind games. The mental gymnastics associated with domestic abuse are sometimes so subtle and ingrained, that the one being abused has ceased from noticing and lives on in an auto-pilot capacity.
Fear is the fuel for this engine. Fear powers the manipulation. The tactic is to manipulate one into being afraid they are wrong, have misjudged, that their reality is skewed, they are not worthy, or are less valuable without the abuser, and a myriad of other suggestions. These combine to debilitate and cause doubt about one's essential identity. The other brand of fear is the fear of being harmed or of having one's children harmed, if one does not comply with the abuser.
Language is the mechanism of manipulation. There are innuendos and unspoken messages embedded in the words said, that continue to bind the one being abused to the abuser; e.g. "You're wrong about me, but I forgive you.", "If you'd just stop _, (fill in the blank), I'd wouldn't be upset."; "You want this or it wouldn't be happening." These statements imply it is your fault and the abuser has no responsibility. Domestic abuse is based on power and control. It is not a question of the abuser being unable to exercise self- control, if they are able to do so publically. It is however, a question of keeping the one being abused under their control. Abusers will often dismiss, ignore or deny abuse ever occurred or will toss in a red herring to deflect. But your memory is not failing you, nor is it faulty, even if they claim otherwise.
Foot or Fist - becomes the order of the day when manipulation, fear and language are an embedded routine. You then are either under the foot (oppressed); walking on eggshells or are confronted with the fist (physical violence). When you reach this stage, escaping domestic abuse seems impossible. You are so tied to the abuse, you do not know how to have an identity free from it. One becomes driven to repeat the pattern, whether with the current or a 'new' partner.
Abuse attracts abuse - The impact of domestic abuse seems to intrinsically contain a need to repeat the pattern. You can be drawn to abuse, and must admit this or you are likely to fall into other abusive situations.
