D.A.R.E.

Re-traumatisation

There is a tendency to unknowingly re- traumatise oneself by the choice of people, residence, job, circumstances, This is very common during the recovery process, so being aware is crucial. If a choice you make causes backward motion, be honest with yourself and change course.

REPETITION HINDERS HEALING

After long term abuse, one is often drawn again to abusive situations. A seemingly magnetic pull exits, which if submitted to will continue the cycle of abuse and obstruct genuine, enduring healing.

Addiction to abuse derives from woundedness. This wound is often due to rejection, abuse or neglect suffered in childhood. There is a compulsion to repeat as your identity is enmeshed with domestic abuse. You may not know, or recognise your identity (self) without abuse, or as apart from abuse. Being attached to the memory, dynamics, and beliefs relating to the abuse can be as much a conflict to battle internally, as the external trauma of domestic abuse. This can be the process you experience once you have removed yourself from the abuse. It is a process to unravel over time with care and support. Even after you have left, there may be a deep seated belief you owe the abuser something; or you are somehow obligated and have let them down by leaving or refusing to continue the unhealthy relationship.

Wounds of the past can cause you to believe your value is inextricably linked to someone else's value for you. In many cases, one may believe that their essential value is derived from a man. If that man happens to be an abuser, your value will be forever chased, never found and always degraded. Many women began this journey of abuse with fathers (or father figures) that damaged them through a myriad of methods, including ; sexually,   emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, as well as through neglect and abandonment. Such conditions prime one to pursue a 'false love' of the one day-some day sort that will finally heal all the wounds. Tragically the man chosen is usually a carbon copy of the original abuser; because abuse and its impact attracts more of the same. Within this framework of addiction to abuse are these foundational lies:

• I need a man to exist and define
• A man owns me or I need to belong to a man to have purpose and happiness.
• I am useless without a man.
• If I am really loved, a man will want to take care of everything (a.k.a. controlling most, if not all matters).
• A belief you owe your life to them and are obligated by a false sense of loyalty, that often disguises your fear of abandonment or fear of loneliness.